the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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