Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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