Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
