I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
