She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
