I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
please come you make the beer taste better
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
