Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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