Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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