I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
