I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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