apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
