God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
