I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
