i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
