she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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