Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
