He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You ate ashes out of my bong
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
