Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
