ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
