that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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