the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
