Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
