just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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