I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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