Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
