She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.