my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You've changed since you got that strap on