I'm so fucking centered right now
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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