Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
