Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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