You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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