Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
