Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
