I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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