i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
