I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
