If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
