I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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