When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
