After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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