Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
