Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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