my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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