Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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