I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
