Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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