"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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