"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
