the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
