everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
