I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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