I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
