so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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