She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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