Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
